The Mysterious Adventures of Jackson Wood

VUWSA President & VP perfect match: Love Calculator

2009-09-22T02:53:00.000-07:00

First appeared in Salient Mon, 14 May 2007.

VUWSA President Geoff Hayward and Education Vice-President Joel Cosgrove are romantically compatible, reveals a computer-based love calculator.

According to Love Test (a widget readily available for free download from the Apple website, which “retrieves two names from the user and then outputs their percentage of love”), the two embittered exec members are 97% in love.

This comes as a surprise, as the animosity between the two is no secret to anybody who cares about student politics. Sources have since commented that the two should be exchanging spit rather than verbal blows.

“Everything makes sense now,” says Cosgrove.

No other exec members were as compatible.

Salient's almost done

2009-09-22T02:44:00.000-07:00

My epic run at Salient is almost over. Huzzah. Maybe I will retrieve some faith in humanity in a few years. I can't guarantee the Salient site will always archive my work—between new editors, crazy students association presidents and server space—so I'm going to start copying some of the better pieces over here.

I'll start with my first, perhaps favourite piece...

Twitterfeed

2009-09-02T00:17:00.000-07:00

Just trying to see if this site works for sending an automatic tweet every time I post a blog on here.

You can set it up real easy here. Obviously if this doesn't get tweeted on my Twitter then it is a fail.

Sitting in the Salient office

2009-09-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

It is like being in undergrad again. That stiffing hit that you get when you realise that deadline is tomorrow and you haven't even started whatever the fuck it is that you're supposed to be writing.

So in the spirit of procrastination I have decided to resurrect this blog as a proper web log.

It won't be political/media based—that can be found over at www.absolutegeni.us—this will be a more amusing log of the zany world that happens around me: a demonic 'dear diary'.

Heck, I'm even going to keep the header

A blog devoted to the conservation of the Panda. Little is it known that Pandas play a integral role in the earths ecosystem. Without Pandas we would all die slow painfully horrible deaths from impalement with Bamboo. Save the Panda.

the same. I still love pandas. They're so cuddly.

I am off to go eat something garlicy. Mmmm Garlic.

Forgotten login for blogin'

2009-08-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

Holy crap.

I had forgotten this place existed. I used to be so clever back in the day.

Anyways. I might keep on posting some stuff here but most of my work can be found over at www.absolutegeni.us these days.

Happy fun times all round.

<3

JJW

Ok on my feet again

2006-11-24T03:46:00.000-08:00

Singapore Sling?

2006-11-17T04:56:00.000-08:00

So yeah... 10 hours on a plane.

Yup In singapore now. Its hot. like 28 degrees hot. Ouch

I'm I told ppl that i would try and text ya'll but it turns out that Telecom is the evil corporation that its trying not to be, and my phone doesnt work over here. Gosh darn it. It will however most assuredly work in beijing. So perhaps at 8 in the morning beijing time you might get a text.

The plane almost crashed on the landing a bit of swerving and skidding... scary

BYE

:D

'Twas the Night Before

2006-11-16T02:11:00.000-08:00

Twas the Night before I left and all through my body
I could feel twisting convulsions making me knotty.
The tension was mounting
My excitement was growing
for in the morning I knew I'd be going.

My bags are all packed,
my passport is ready,
my mandarin is shocking,
and my chest is still hairy.

George Bush is in Singapore on an Asian vacation
The extra security probably means cavity invasion,
by a chap in white gloves wearing a mask and a hood:
"Excuse me, could you please bend over Mister Wood."

Take off you shoes so we can check for explosives
please empty your carry on luggage of liquids and lotions
we would also like to inspect your latest bowel motions
for rubbers fill to the brim with illicit tablets and potions.

Your security clearance has been accepted
sorry for the indignity to which you were subjected.
its quite obvious (to us now)
you are carrying nothing that can be inhaled or injected,
No semtex or pointed sticks so you are not rejected.

Ah ha past security my plot unsuspected!
my mission to hijack the plane gone undetected.
like a man in a band carrying a Tuba
hey baby how about taking this plane to Cuba.

This top selling single can be purchased in the lobby after tonights performance.

Top 2 songs not to listen to before you hop on a plane

Laurie Anderson "From the Air"

10CC "I'm Mandy Fly Me"

Nite nite ya'll

Study Study Study

2006-10-31T14:19:00.000-08:00

So yeah...

I probably should be studying.

My exam is in 2 and a half hours time.

But you know what... I honestly cannot be arsed.

Just look at the state of my working conditions (note the syringes, broken glass and the corpse floating somewhere around. Also your lucky your not here because the constant shelling from rebel guerrillas is a tad distracting). Appalling huh.

Well it is only 17 days till I leave now.

Last night in one of my bouts with insomnia I was running over the checklist of things I must do before I leave:

1. Tell mummy I love her
2. get injections
3. post more blog entries
4. Punch $10 text Gary in the teeth
5. not die a virgin

hmmm

All the stress is getting to me. I'm pretty sure that soon my scalp with be as bald as my dear fathers.

Well I guess I'll write some more after my exam, the intricacies of Ray Goldstein's INTP: 375 Aid and Development await me.

Oh and remember this month is Movember. All proceeds will be going towards research in Prostate Cancer. Our work has put together a team called Handle Bars of Desire, so if you want to donate to this cause drop me and see me or one of the guys at work! Its a worthy cause, and gives us a chance to grow ridiculous facial hair...

mmmmm mmmmmmmmm bring on the ladies

Live Long & Prosper

Emailium Pater

2006-10-17T03:59:00.000-07:00

Today I recieved an email from my dear father, pictured to the left during his Mob days, warning me of the dangers of China:

Dear Mr Wood,

Thank you for your forwarded email detailing your travel itinerary (please note correct spelling).

Your parents trust that you will deport yourself with the appropriate decorum required when partaking of an international excursion of this nature to a politically sensitive area of the world. It is hoped that you will take the necessary precautions to avoid contracting any serious medical conditions, especially those of the sexually transmitted variety, SARS and, of course, Bird Flu. To this end, it is suggested that you wear 2 condoms at all times, wear at least a facial filter mask, do not eat or drink anything during your trip, and it may also be advisable to wear a lead-lined, hooded jump-suit whenever you venture outside (what with the North Korea situation as it is at present).

By no means should you assuage your thirst with local, unboiled water whilst having unprotected sexual intercourse with a chicken farmer's daughter.

Be aware that your average little yellow chinese chap is very aware of "saving face" and may not fully appreciate the antipodean sense of humour, so it is inadvisable in indulge in any use of insults, ribald stories or other discourse which in the West might be considered humorous jocularity. It is certainly advised that no reference be made re Tiananmen Square or any other instances of perceived totalitarian actions on the part of the Chinese Government.

Purchasing cheap drugs for sale on return to N.Z. should also be ruled out.

We hope that you will follow the sage advice imparted above and have an enjoyable and educational trip.

Yours etc.

Father of two

Pointlessness & Dirty Thoughts

2006-10-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

It has been pointed out to me by concerned members of my adoring audience that so far this is a rather boring and pointless blog.

Thanks Tara, this is to do with one or more of the following reasons:

1. I am not actually in China yet. Although to the casual observer I may not appear to be totally here either... I swear that I am.

2. My life really isn't interesting enough to write about day to day, I mean who wants to hear the drunken ramblings of another blogging wannabe. Teen angst is over rated.

3. By making you wait for the good stuff I'm building a sense of anticipation and excitement. (I know I am wetting my pants just thinking about all the fun stuff I'm going to be doing)

4. Also I'm actually in the process of hiring a ghost writer soes that I don't actually have to write this. I was planning on hiring Phil but then I realised that his drinking habit might get in the way of his professionalism and on the job work ethic, so I've been down at Wellington Zoo and trying to find a chimpanzee to fill this crucial role. ( I tried a panda but the lack of digits made it hard for them to type, and the cost of stenographers for dictation these days is just ridiculous)

So yes Tara thanks for pointing that out. I wholeheartedly agree with you. This is very boring. (please enjoy these photos I took the other day of me watching some paint dry) But then again we must remember it is about me. I shall endeavor from now on to fill this blog with jovial and entertaining content.

Oh and if you want duty free flick me an email or post a comment (remembering that I do also have a drinking problem and one can only hide so much alcohol in ones blood stream) telling me what you want. Although if its made in China chances are your probably gunna be able to get it at the warehouse.

Sneakers direct from the sweatshop floor anyone?

And another thing that was pointed out to me today by one of my colleagues that China actually censors the internet. Its like China has one giant family filter placed on all ISPs so they cannot provide all that good content that we western, freedom of speech loving democratic capitalist pig dogs take for granted. So its going to be interesting to see if I will actually be able to access this over there. Which would be a tad of a bummer if I couldn't (what after all this excitement and all).

But we shall wait and see.Out

2006-09-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody

Hopefully this is going to be one of the better ways for me to communicate with everybody while I'm over in China. I will try and write to you everyday if I get the time, or if circumstances prevent me (eg. food poisioning from those dirty dirty little market stalls, or massive drug overdose) I will do it whenever.

I will be posting photos, although probably not dirty ones, I'm going to keep those ones to myself.

I will still be checking my emails, telecom and student so if you wanna send me a personal email do so, probably best one to send it to would be woodjack1@student.vuw.ac.nz

Oh and I'll also have my personal phone with me on roam, so if you really miss me you can send me a text on 027 3333 263. I might even text back!

Anyhow...

hope to hear from ya'll soon