Emailium Pater

Today I recieved an email from my dear father, pictured to the left during his Mob days, warning me of the dangers of China:


Dear Mr Wood,

Thank you for your forwarded email detailing your travel itinerary (please note correct spelling).

Your parents trust that you will deport yourself with the appropriate decorum required when partaking of an international excursion of this nature to a politically sensitive area of the world. It is hoped that you will take the necessary precautions to avoid contracting any serious medical conditions, especially those of the sexually transmitted variety, SARS and, of course, Bird Flu. To this end, it is suggested that you wear 2 condoms at all times, wear at least a facial filter mask, do not eat or drink anything during your trip, and it may also be advisable to wear a lead-lined, hooded jump-suit whenever you venture outside (what with the North Korea situation as it is at present).

By no means should you assuage your thirst with local, unboiled water whilst having unprotected sexual intercourse with a chicken farmer's daughter.

Be aware that your average little yellow chinese chap is very aware of "saving face" and may not fully appreciate the antipodean sense of humour, so it is inadvisable in indulge in any use of insults, ribald stories or other discourse which in the West might be considered humorous jocularity. It is certainly advised that no reference be made re Tiananmen Square or any other instances of perceived totalitarian actions on the part of the Chinese Government.

Purchasing cheap drugs for sale on return to N.Z. should also be ruled out.

We hope that you will follow the sage advice imparted above and have an enjoyable and educational trip.

Yours etc.

Father of two